SIMPLICITY!
isn't it weird that even as 'stable' as i am in love, i keep thinking about the "8.5 months" expiry date - as if the end of this season of love will come to pass at this mark?
perhaps all i need is to regain a part of me that was lost whenever i failed the test, whenever somebody felt i wasn't worth holding onto anymore.
my heart, my soul.
longing for its other half.
all i ever wanted was for love, trust and commitment to be reciprocated.
yet the promises of 'forever' didn't stand.
those quiet moments when i replayed scenes of happy and sad memories,
i never want to go through them again.
but that was how i learnt to never take a day for granted.
because i've seen it all and i know it too well,
that the so-called 'honeymoon period' counts for nothing,
that a loving relationship can disappear within a month, within a week and (incredulously), even within a day.
i used to get sucked into the depths of sadness, blame and anger.
funny enough, i couldn't make up my mind whether i was disappointed in myself or in their true reasons for leaving. sometimes i hated them, sometimes i felt like empathising (somehow). other times, i could not feel any sense of my self-worth.
in any case the burden in my heart was simply, heavy.
today, i have come to the 8.5 month mark again.
honestly half of me believes i can pass it easily this time, yet the other half of me worries just how long more it can sustain ):
this week hasn't been pretty.
having a severe lack of communication with tlg because of his schedule ):
finding it incredulous that there's only an average of 10 messages a day (over wed and thur).
im unsure if im being oversensitive, but it hurts badly x.x
(does God also feel this way when i hardly pray? O.O ^)
i thought that i would spend today joyously in conversation with tlg, even if we are unable to go out.
but i guess things dont ever work out according to hopes. hahaha x.x
it's unfortunate really. that i'm still struggling with fear right now, still trying to cope with the feeling of neglect, still craving for more conversation with tlg.
i miss the days when i could just reach out to tlg whenever i wanted and he would be there to actively listen.. without distractions.. kind of hate the handphone because it's still snatching tlg's attention away from me even on weekends -.-
it does make me rethink if work/money is worth it...
but oh well, i guess the bottom line is that we have a mismatch in our love languages hahhaha.
im a quality time/physical touch person but tlg likes to buy clothes for me every now and then O,o
jialat lehhh. hahhaha. i appreciate gifts but i think spending time is more valuable :D
i hope that work and commitments won't pull us apart further...
it's unfortunate that we are not part of anything tgt, except for attending church.
one day when im tired of holding it all together..... maybe we will just be strangers.
