no one can comprehend the amount of sadness and frustration im suppressing in my heart right now...

sometimes i wished i was someone else.

someone better. someone more able.
someone less of a burden.

yet even as i try to help myself, i plunge deeper into the darkness.

why oh whyyy );

even the tried n tested remedies,
i have to wean myself off them.

whyyyy. why must life treat me like this.

why must God test me this way time n again.

if im bearing this much pain, does it mean im failing or closer to the light?

tell me.

seeing the same things repeat over n over... are they really supposed to help me? o.o

on friday night, i was surprised twice.

1) a package from the bff (delivered to the wrong block & unit though. hahaha!!)

2) tlg showing up at night near my block :DDD (after cycling all the way from his home !?? O.O)

and it really warms my heart, even if i had to go through the extra trouble of knocking on a stranger's door to claim back my package, or going out at 11pm just to 'rescue' tlg and sweat it out in the windless night.

im tired of not having the words to express how i think or feel.

i keep silent.

and that's when things get problematic...

_________
starting to get busy with icare! i wasnt keen on doing city tour initially but chinatown/raffles place ignited my enthusiasm .

really miss those familiar n easy old days

_________
i love the way you look at me <3

for that moment i understood what it feels like to have someone look into my soul through my eyes.

and thankyou tht u see much more than what i see (:

就我让我一个人去痛到受不了
想到快疯掉
死不了就还好

i really dont know what to do );

WOW !????

THANK YOU JESUS !

it's been tough to get rid of feelings of unwantedness, sadness, emptiness, helplessness, hopelessness ...

especially when everyone else is meaningfully occupied and has friends.

and im alone. again.

trapping myself.
because of my supposed obedience.

and sometimes i really wonder, will it all be worth it in the end?

will the future me want to turn back time n scream at myself now to grow some courage and seek greener pastures?

sighh.

__________

had an extra week of holiday since finals ended earlyyy. except that unlike previous sems, i dont really need this extra break.... @.@

last year was sooo crazy that i had burnout x.x which is why i told myself to take it slow n easy this year.

and lol, im given a finals timetable tht ends relatively early and a vtp schedule which is wayyyyy more slack than last year's.

plus im no longer working at M.
and tlg sort of banned me from meeting and/or talking to some of my friends O.O

oh and im not going on any holidayy this time.

which all just leaves me as a terribly bored individual with too much time to spare while everyone else is busy n progressing.

sighhhh.

on a side note, i did managed to occupy myself by clearing to-do list items such as going for vaccination jabs, returning books. collecting test paper, etc.

all the very mundane stufff .

i guess the highlight would be the jap curry lunch :p the daiso packet isnt too bad. but still nth beats going to coco ichibanya! :DDDD

and the 1for1 frappe at bishan park was niceeee. wished tlg had chosen to invest his remaining phone battlife on a nice welfie instead of looking at forums )):

__________

cats, conversations, singing and food are what keep me happy!

i still miss my moolek )):
probably my best n only cat pal <3
9 months on, i still have this unfilled gap in my heart. it's quite heartbreaking to know that she wont be there at the carpark or void deck for me to sayang.
i dont ever think shes replaceable.

ahhh but anw, i didnt get to eat any exceptional food during the mothers day weekend.

maybe thats why im still feeling sad... o.o
the lvl of sadness of being cooped up/trapped is too high.

the last time i felt this way was when i was stuck at ktph lvl 9 for 7days x.x

hm. caged bird syndrome?? lol

there are days where i wonder where i fit into the puzzle of life...

sometimes i feel discouraged as an isfj.
because i dont see how the values i believe in are useful to the companies that i should supposedly aim for after graduation.

risktakers, creative thinkers, farsighted leaders etc - i'm none of that.
thus, i hardly feel useful at all in the outside world);

and i also feel a tinge of regret, for not realising who i am earlier.

perhaps i was also sucked in by the dominant line of thinking that i have to get a good degree and find a high-paying whitecollared job.

truth is, i abhor being stuck in an office. if i could be in an office position that has contact with people (eg HR? Lol), perhaps i could still tolerate it. since i can also 'see' myself as helping a person..

it's quite laughable how i have to understand myself better through personality test results and google searches.

from what ive obtained so far, ISFJs are 'nurturers', known for serving others and for the values of care, loyalty, stability,etc.

but you know how devalued care work is right? ): and you know how popular it is to take risks or be anti-establishment these days ?x.x

<s>unfortunately</s>,
i want to be on the ground creating personal bonds with people. i want to see them grow, and i want to do my part in maintaining structures (social regulation? haha).

as such, i do agree with the suggested career lists (generally in education, healthcare, social work or  religious institutions).

but the path ive chosen for myself in uni, i think it may be too late ));
so i will end up neither here nor there.
and this is the thought^ that makes me troubled.

my remaining time in uni seem so pointless since it's not like i have a stellar CV to land a $$job or the right credentials to pursue those career suggestions.

but i guess that if God closes some doors, He will also open others :)
im just waiting to discover them.

(tbh im halftempted to think tht the 'open door' = rely on tlg as my iron rice bowl. LOL)

oh wellll ~
im still learning how to see my 'strengths' as 'strengths', that what im given is beneficial and sufficient to equip me in whatever He planned for me to do.

curious to see how my life will be steered! and i wonder what i would blog about in ten years time.... :p

year 2 is over!!! :D
not sure if i will end up graduating next year :o ... but let's not worry about that for nowww

after my last paper ytd, tlg and i went to jb by ourselves! but we got conned by the smooth traffic on the causeway lol. because the wait at the malaysian immigration was more than an hour long !? :o

after passing the endurance test, we went to eat Azuma at komtar!! so happy that they had the promo set with kimchi udon, garlic rice and chicken cutlet for rm15.90 !! plus sushi worth arnd sgd8. HEH HEH. which also meant that ALLLL the cravings i had were satisfied in one meal :DD shiok ttm !!

and then we did other stuffff and ate pizza hut dinner  (wa their promo is also worth it!).

so yeah, basically it's eating and eating O.O even today i ate too much O.O at little India O.O

honestly it's quite an interesting place to be in, especially on a sunday/PH!! hahaha. it's a different world there, where people, rather than cars, rule the streets. and im the rare chinese hanging around!! my only concern is that the occasional passing car may roll onto my feet if im not careful x.x

im so flabby right noww.

thankful that i can rest this time (:
yay to summer hols!