i participated in a study yesterday and it confirmed that i have a super high pain tolerance (and nope it has nth to do with my skin thickness).

indeed as i thought about it, the result probably came as no surprise.

perhaps my high tolerance for spicy food helps? or in other words i get a kick out of pain LOL.

or maybe it was just how i grew up - without having anyone mollycoddling or showing me concern. maybe i was alone for too long, and i only had myself to count on. i knew that if i cried when i was hurt, no one would see it or bother. therefore i learned to swallow, and gradually ignore pain.

perhaps that is why God placed multiple heartbreaks and disappointments in my life - because He knew that I am stronger than i how i perceive myself to be.

the people and things that i have now, honestly they didn't come easy. not that i would say that i fought really hard for it, but they came because of God's grace. they came because He saw that after multiple failures/rejections, i finally learned what He intended me to learn- which is to simply let go:

let go of the need to find validation in others.
let go of the feelings of unwantedness.
let go of my self-hate.
and so on.

my relationships arent all perfect, but i believe that they have come a long way.

and right now, i'm struggling really hard to let go of the need to build up a 'worthy' resume for potential employers.

well lately i havent been hearing good news and it affected my mood greatly.

but thinking about all of it again, i guess these disappointments are yet another lesson for me to learn to let go of expectations.

if i get an internship, then great!
if i don't, it doesn't matter! just move on! (who knows, God has something better in store?)

i just hope that whatever happens in the next few weeks, i will always rmbr to give thanks in all circumstances.

[ps idk if i sound coherent but haha i just felt like i want to release this burden in my heart and let God decide/take over.]